There is no voice of reason

(Retail | Petaluma, CA, USA)

Me: “Hi! Welcome to [electronics store]. What brings you in today?”

Customer: “I need an electronic English to Spanish dictionary.”

Me: “Okay, right this way.”

Customer: “Does it talk?”

Me: “No. We don’t sell translators here.”

Customer: “This isn’t a translator?”

Me: “It will translate English words to Spanish words, but it won’t speak them. It will only show you the text.”

Customer: “Well, that’s stupid! If I knew how to speak the d*** language, I wouldn’t need the d*** dictionary!”

Feline Felony

(Supermarket | Christchurch, New Zealand)

I am finishing my break and heading back to the checkout, a woman frantically calls me over and asks me if she’s allowed to take a free cat food sample, and I tell her yes. About 10 minutes later she comes through my lane, with 50 or more cat food samples stuffed down her top, cradled in her arms, and in her handbag.)

Me: “I’m sorry, the free samples are one per customer.”

Customer: “I was just picking some up for my friends.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but your friends will have to come and pick up their own sample.”

(She sighs and throws all the samples that she was holding in her arms onto my checkout.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but you also have a lot more of our samples down your top and in your bag. You can’t have those ones, either.”

Customer: “How dare you! I will have you know that I am currently eight months pregnant!”

Me: “I told you that you could have a free sample ten minutes ago, and you weren’t pregnant then.”

Customer: “Oh, s***!”

(She empties all the samples from down her top onto the floor and sprints from the store, trailing escaped samples from her handbag as she goes.)

21st Century Courtship

(Theme Park | San Antonio, TX, USA)

(I am an 18 year old male. I’m working one of the rides when a younger male comes up to me.)

Teenager: “Hi.”

Me: “Hey.”

Teenager: “Will you hug my little sister?”

Me: “Pardon me?”

Teenager: “It’s a dare, just hug her!”

Me: “No thank you?”

Teenager: “Why not?”

Me: “I might get arrested for pedophilia.”

Teenager: “What?”

Me: “Nothing.”

Teenager: “You’re gay aren’t you? I bet you’re gay. That’s why you won’t do it!””

Me: “That’s it, I’m gay. I don’t want to hug your sister because I’m gay.”

Teenager: “Oh. Will you hug me, then?”

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(Grocery Store | Fort Kent, MN, USA)

(I am stocking shelves, a customer comes up asking for assistance to find an item.)

Customer: “I need to find some Eight O’s corn.”

Me: “I’m not familiar with that brand, ma’am, but I will do my best to help. Are you looking for corn that is fresh, frozen or canned?”

Customer: “How am I supposed to know that? It’s Eight O’s corn!”

Me: “Well, is it cold?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Me: “It is probably in our frozen section, then. Let’s go take a look.”

(After pointing out our selection of frozen corn, she picks up a bag of store brand frozen corn excitedly.)

Customer: “This is it! Eight O’s!”

(I look at the item and see she has picked up an 8 oz. bag).

(Call Center | Hays, KS, USA)

Me: “Alright sir, in order to get this taken care of we will need to know the manufacturer of brand name of the product.”

Customer: “I’m sorry, I don’t quite understand.”

Me: “The company that makes the product.”

Customer: “I still don’t understand.”

Me: “It will state who makes it on the product.”

Customer: “Oh, I know! It was China!”

Freedom Of Screech
College | North Carolina, USA

(I’m an Admissions Officer and am working at a college fair. We are not religiously affiliated. I run into an alum.)

Me: “Hi, is your daughter interested in [college]?”

Alum: “I’m an alum. Class of ‘83.”

Me: “Fantastic! I’m Class of ‘04. Can I answer any questions for you?”

Alum: “I won’t be letting my daughter look here. I have some issues with how [college] is being run. God is not happy with you, and neither am I.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am. If you’d like, I’d be happy to take your comment back to the Vice President of-”

Alum: “Are you aware that you let in students with liberal views and speakers with socialist leanings?”

Me: “Ma’am, we have a great deal of speakers on campus with a variety of view points.”

Alum: “The school has gone downhill since we let in those people! So I’ve stopped giving money. You can take that back to them. You’ll no longer see my $25 a year.”

Me: “Ma’am, as an alum myself, I’m proud to have graduated from a school that encourages both freedom of thought and speech in our students and speakers.”

Alum: “You don’t need freedom of speech if you let Jesus think for you.”

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Freedom Of Screech
College | North Carolina, USA

(I’m an Admissions Officer and am working at a college fair. We are not religiously affiliated. I run into an alum.)

Me: “Hi, is your daughter interested in [college]?”

Alum: “I’m an alum. Class of ‘83.”

Me: “Fantastic! I’m Class of ‘04. Can I answer any questions for you?”

Alum: “I won’t be letting my daughter look here. I have some issues with how [college] is being run. God is not happy with you, and neither am I.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am. If you’d like, I’d be happy to take your comment back to the Vice President of-”

Alum: “Are you aware that you let in students with liberal views and speakers with socialist leanings?”

Me: “Ma’am, we have a great deal of speakers on campus with a variety of view points.”

Alum: “The school has gone downhill since we let in those people! So I’ve stopped giving money. You can take that back to them. You’ll no longer see my $25 a year.”

Me: “Ma’am, as an alum myself, I’m proud to have graduated from a school that encourages both freedom of thought and speech in our students and speakers.”

Alum: “You don’t need freedom of speech if you let Jesus think for you.”
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Like A Fish Out Of Water
Pet Store | Salt Lake City, UT, USA

(Our store has a return policy involving fish that they can return them as long as they have the animal and receipt.)

Customer: “My fish died again.”

Me: “How long did you have the fish for?”

Customer: “Only about two days. This is the second fish this has happened with.”

(I proceed to start asking questions about her daily tasks of tank operations. After several minutes, I can’t figure out what is wrong.)

Me: “How about you take me through your daily routine?”

Customer: “Well, first I go down and feed the fish. Then I pick him up and pet him for a bit. Then around lunchtime, I pet him some more.”

Me: “So you pull the fish out of the water and pet it?”

Customer: “Only for a few minutes. Why?”

Me: “Fish can’t breath out of water. Didn’t you notice it gasping?”

Customer: “Well, it can just hold its breath, right?”